So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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