I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
