I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
