Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
