Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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