I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
