sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
