I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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