There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
