Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
