We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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