My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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