I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
