i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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