I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
