I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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