where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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