First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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