i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
