There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
