??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
