shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
