I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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