I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
