I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
