you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
