So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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