That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
