Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
