maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
