...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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