I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
