i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's get the cat blown out
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
