i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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