I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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