First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
