Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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