He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
