I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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