I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's just like the Real World with babies
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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