whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
