Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
