If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
