She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
