Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
