I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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