He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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