porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
