Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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