Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
